Forty Whacks

by Lizzie Borden

You scum at the bottom of the ocean! Dear brothers and sisters, how busy Lizzie has been this month, crusading against gay bashers and people who don't clean up after their pets on Euclid Avenue! It makes window shopping very unpleasant, and John-Boy Lanigan makes life equally so. So let's put the pooper-scooper to the

concrete.

But before we get to Tragic 105, dears, LB has a favor to ask: Please tap your ruby slippers together and hope that Michelangelo Signorile will return to gay journalism. The former editor and gossip columnist for the now-defunct Outweek magazine has been offered another position with an upcoming queer 'zine called Q. He's LB's favorite role model, and in his honor, we've given his battle cry against gay-bashers a North Coast twist: You scum at the bottom of Lake Erie! Believe me, there's plenty of scum to go around, too, so let's get to work, dears...

Microbiology.Let's start with algaecus lanigus, a particular breed of anaerobic respirator-known by the nomendubium John Lanigan--who confessed to a bit of homophobia anima toward Leigh Robertson, executive director of the Lesbian-Gay Community Services Center, on the "Lanigan and Webster Show" (WMJI/ 105.7 FM). Robertson, who has done so many good things for our community since coming to Cleveland in February, went to WMJI with her Center colleague, Aubrey Wertheim. They met with Lanigan and Webster, WMJI general manager Dean Gladden, and three other staff members on July 15.

Robertson and Wertheim counsel victime of anti-gay violence. They met with WMJI to explain how lesbian and gay jokes that are broadcast on WMJI and other adio stations can cause violence to esca-

int gay people by reducing us to es and demeaning us as human With no intention of dictating policy or consorship, Wertheim and Robertson

ade it clear they were there to discuss the difference between humor and defamation. But Lanigan, a threatened little boy whose show is heard in every trailer park from Painesville to North Ridgeville, refused to see how his comments could influ-

ence hate crimes. He did go on the record, though, with Webster, as opposing violence against minorities. It's what's called talkin' out both sides of your wazoo. Throw us a bone, Johnny-O Boy-O, we've heard it before.

As John Webster, Dean Gladden, et. al., tried to hear our lesbian and gay heroes' P.O.V., Lanigan continued his tirades, screaming, "You idiots!" at Robertson and Wertheim. According to Wertheim, "Lanigan continued to take whatever tabloid position he could take. He kept reverting to semantic nonsense and sophistry. For a man who talks for a living, he was very inept at listening."

That's okay, Aubrey. As a counselor, you've seen adolescent acting-out behavior before.

By the way, caped crusaders, WMJI's slogan is, "We Do More Than Care." Obviously. Gladden told our protectors that the station will consider what they had to say, but that 105.7 FM would do nothing to change the format for "Lanigan and Webster" unless profits (translation: advertising revenues) are affected. Thanks for caring, Dean.

Foul-Neutral corners! Billing himself as an "Equal Opportunity Annoyer," Lanigan told his audience on July 16 that while he wasn't afraid of gays, “I was little afraid of that woman (Robertson) yesterday. (Canned laughter.) I can see her doing three rounds with Mike Tyson real well. I could've seen that" (More canned laughs.) Oh, whack! Where it counts, John-Boy! And that's nothing compared to the executions performed on your show! Speaking of neo-Nazis, read oq, meine Damen und Herren...

...

Arbeit macht mann frei. On the same show, Lanigan went into a bizarre diatribe against gay-activist groups like Queer Nation. Wertheim and Robertson had said there are jokes about gays that gays think are funny and not offensive we're not that retentive, dears. But Lanigan charged the lesbian and gay community with overreacting to "the fact that we laughed at their stupid little parade." Meaning the Pride '91 March on June 23.

Lanigan continued to spew: "We're also not in favor of being pushed around by special-interest groups who are demanding

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August, 1991 we think like they think, he said. That sounds to me like Nazi Germany. You know, that's how it happened in Nazi Germany when people came to other people and said, 'You've been observed. We're watching you. People said you did this.' And then they came to your house and they took you away and put you on a boxcar. I'm not going to be intimidated by a group that says. `We're listening to you and writing down everything you say."

9 66

Johnny-Me-Boyo can really K-Y the old blarney stone, right, lads and lassies? Look, LB knows this: what this scum at the bottom of Lake Erie does for a living (and don't kid yourselves, dears, he makes millions doing it) is to broadcast his sicko diatribes on the public airwaves. We have every right to tune him in or tune him out, as we'd like to do.

However, there are organizations called anti-defamation leagues that protect minorities from harmful portrayals in the media. The Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) is there for us. Why? Because over 10,000 people perished in the Holocaust-killed by the Nazis just because they were gay. How'd that happen? One man, Adolf Hitler, broadcast hate over the radio every day, telling his listeners whom to hate and whom to "put to sleep," just a little expression Lanigan and crew like to use to incite their audience. Boxcar Johnny would have been a big hit on Krystallnacht.

And now, we face another holocaust. In the last decade, over 110,000 people have died of AIDS, while George Bush sits on his ass and does nothing about it! So, Boxcar Johnny, why don't you do a diatribe about that one morning instead of fouling the airwaves with your hissy little persecution complex? Really, get over yourself, Miss Thang! There are people out there who need help. How much of your millions did you give to an AIDS organization this year, Johnny-Boy-O?

Fight the power! Here's what we do, boys and girlfriends. Lanigan is a pawn, a well-paid Boy Toy who makes money as long as people buy the products advertised on his show. Dean Gladden told Wertheim and Robertson that unless advertising profits from the show are affected, WMJI has no intention of changing the format of the "Lanigan and Webster Show." Lanigan even turned on Webster when he tried to defend Wertheim and Robertson, implying Webster was gay for saying something in their defense. You can't fight that kind of sickness. The only thing you can do is to call the advertisers and tell them what is going on.

Toss me a Miller. After reading "Forty Whacks" last month, Queer Nation called Orkin Pest Control (No, dears, not to have them spray WMJI's studios). They were mentioned in LB's column as a sponsor for Lanigan. Orkin told Queer Nation they were not aware that WMJI was bashing queers on the air. That's one! Way to go, ÖN!

Also, FYI, dears: in the two days of hate broadcast by lanigus hitlerius following the meeting with Robertson and Wertheim, over 24 companies advertised on WMJI. The best strategy would be to pick

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one or two per month for letters, boycott, demonstrations, safer-sex parties (pizzerias and car dealers just adore having queers picket outside their establishments). So let's get on it! A list of advertisers follows this column.

One last thing and then I hope I never hear another laugh track again.....Lanigan urged Cleveland's lesbian-gay community that we'd better not try to intimidate him, "Because I'm not afraid of you." He also told Robertson and Wertheim that if gay activists cause any more trouble, “We straight people who give money to AIDS are going to quit doing that." Anyone from

AIDS organization care to respond? According to Wertheim, AIDS organization have always been funded by gay people. We take care of our own, and of anyone else who needs our help with AIDS. We would never, never, dears, be as cruel as the staff at WMJI, Truly Tragic 105.

And as for you, Johnny-Me-Boy-Toy-o, as Michelangelo, The Red Queen, once wrote: "Don't mess with me, you feeble straight boy. It's not my first time at the guillotine."

Gardening for crowd control. In an interview in the July 18 Advocate, writer and long-time animal activist, William S. Burroughs mentioned a new organic tear gas made from the extract of red peppers. He claims that Capsucum tear gas "works on anything: animals, gay bashers, whatever." Bill, let us know where to purchase a can of that. LB must pass several trailer parks on the way home. But get me off this sick trip! The summer's almost over, and I must get my beauty tan. It's off to Edgewater Park and Beach Blanket Lesbos . Ta!

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